” After Birth “

Giving birth is like a blind date. You don’t know who to expect or how it’s going to go. Meeting my daughter after what felt like a lifetime was an experience I never thought I would be honored to have. By the time I got pregnant with my daughter I had honestly given up. Even when I first became pregnant I always had the fear she wouldn’t make it. But she made it! My miracle rainbow baby made it. She’s been such a blessing to me and our family.

The day I gave birth I spent that first night alone with just the baby. I was a little overwhelmed with emotions. I call my daughter Sky by the way. Sky and I bonded from the start. She was better than everything I had ever imagined she would be. We cuddled that whole first night. I know you’re not suppose to but I couldn’t help it. Jay never made it back to the hospital after I gave birth. He didn’t even call to check on Sky. It bothered me in the beginning how it seemed like he didn’t care and his lack of effort.

Those first few weeks being home alone with a new baby who needed me while my heart was mending was overwhelming. I had no real help in the beginning. I broke down multiple times and finally enough was enough.

My daughter is in two programs through the state. One of her program counselors came by two weeks after Sky was born and she recognized something was wrong. I broke down in our session and told her I needed help. Being a single mom I knew my daughter needed me at my top performance. So she helped me find a therapist and she told me it was okay to ask for help. That same night I sat my mom down and told her I needed help. I understand my daughter isn’t her responsibility but my mom had no idea how I felt till I told her. I felt a sense of relief knowing she had my back. For weeks I had asked Jay for help and honestly it was a hard pill to swallow knowing he really wasn’t dependable and that he didn’t plan on being involved in Sky’s like that.

My first therapy session was the next week and right off the bat after the first session she told me I had PPD. I couldn’t believe it, how could I have PPD when I loved my daughter. I know it’s more to it then that obviously. I felt like a failure as a mom. She told me I was brave because most women don’t ask for help. Most women wait until it’s too late. With having depression and anxiety most of my life I normally can tell when I’m about to have an episode at this point in my life. I usually disconnect from people but I knew I couldn’t do that to Sky. I’m happy I reached out when I did because if I didn’t I don’t know what would’ve happened to Sky or myself.

I was lucky enough to have weekly therapy sessions at my house. Every session mostly focused on Jay I won’t lie. The therapist straight up told me he was my problem basically and I needed to let it go. I needed to forgive him eventually and just move on. With having everything happen so suddenly right before my due date I didn’t have time to grieve losing Jay in a sense. I didn’t have time to prepare to be a single mom, it came out of no where. I didn’t have time to prepare to co parent with someone who isn’t present. It’s rough as fuck.I would be lying if I said trying to be the parent my daughter needs while feeling like I’m dying inside hasn’t been rough. But like they always say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

A few weeks before I left Jay I had been back in contact with one of my ex’s name Devin. We had remained friends after we broke up a few years prior. We only talked occasionally due to the fact I wanted to be respectful towards Jay. I knew Devin still liked me. We had been in contact quite a bit and he straight out told me my situation with Jay was horrible. As a father he was appalled by the way Jay was and he straight up told me I wasn’t going to be able to depend on Jay. Look how he was behaving! I was in bed one night on the phone with Devin while Jay was outside on the phone with Haitian fresh. I’ll never forget how he encouraged me. He told me I had to be a role model for my daughter because when she grows up all she’ll know will come from me and how I interact with men. Did I really want her growing up in a toxic environment? Did I want her growing up thinking it was okay for a man to cheat? Did I want to show her that it was okay for a man to disrespect a woman? No was the answer. I didn’t want my daughter to ever feel how Jay made me feel. Nor did I want her to think anything he did was okay because it wasn’t. I blamed myself for so long but honestly I know now it wasn’t my fault. Jay was the dysfunction. I gave my all and I can say with all my heart I know that’s true. I should’ve walked away a long time before I left but I got out eventually and that means something. I could’ve wasted a lot more of my life and my daughter’s life but I didn’t. Devin helped me see this. He told me he would take care of us if I decided to leave. Devin has always been a really sweet guy so I had no doubt in my mind that he meant what he was saying. When I broke up with Jay and kicked him out he was the first person I called. He listened to me cry multiple times and constantly told me you guys deserve a better life.

Looking at my daughter now 7 months after the break up I know I made the best decision possible. Jay doesn’t see my daughter often at all but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. At the end of the day I know I’m enough for Sky. I know when she gets older she’ll see the sacrifices I made and she’ll know mama was a warrior. I’m raising my princess on my own with the help of my family with no help from Jay at all. I’ve never felt more powerful than I do now. I’m doing what I thought I couldn’t do on my own. I’m rocking the fuck out of motherhood and everyday we get through is a win. Don’t get me wrong there are rough days. It’s days where Sky is working my nerves. It’s days where she wakes up multiple times at night and I barely get sleep. It’s days where I feel like a shit mom for needing a break. I know I’m a good mom at the end of the day and that this journey will have good and bad days.

In the last two weeks I finally forgave Jay. I finally had time to heal and let it go. I finally found my peace and accepted that he will never be the father I imaged for my daughter. But you know what I’m the mother I planned on being if not better. I put Skylar and her well being first. No one comes before my daughter and I make that known when I start talking to a new guy.

I haven’t dated much since being single. Like I said my focus has pretty much been on Sky. I recently started putting myself more out there now since I’m no longer in pain. It’s amazing what time can do to a person. I won’t lie I’m scared shitless of being hurt yet again. I’m scared of getting pregnant again by another dead beat. But honestly I can’t pass up the opportunity to be happy because I’m scared. Giving up in a sense would be letting Jay win and I refuse to let evil win. I’ve prayed a lot lately. I don’t know what the future holds. I told God if he has a man for Sky and I cool and if not it’s cool too. Maybe it’s just meant to be Sky and I and if so I’m okay with that. I’ve been in relationships since I was 14 years old and honestly I’ve only ever taken one big break. This is my second big break and it’s been nice falling back in love with myself and realizing what I deserve. No more settling by the way because settling gets me in situations like I just got out of and I deserve more than that. Sky deserves more than that. I pray her step dad will exceed my expectations and be the type of father figure she can look up to and love. If you see me in a relationship know that he checked all the boxes for being an extraordinary man, I’m just putting this out into the universe. Who knows future hubby could be reading this now;-)….

As always my name is Alexis Steel and this is my story…..

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